So I missed a month… November was so hectic. Final projects, exams, and four days off to get even more behind in work. November was certainly busy but it’s now December and with just a few more days of school, I’m definitely aniticipating the time down. No winter projects, no finals when we return… the semester is over and for three weeks I will be completely worry free and able to enjoy whatever Christmas turns out to be this year.
And I’m also cold… but that’s okay. =]
It took the most special person to make me realize, half an hour before midnight, that this wasn’t just a birthday. It was a new life. In a strange way, I’m somehow starting all over again. I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t have the luxury of someone else doing it for me. And I have no one to support the excuses. This isn’t my sixteenth birthday and I’m not anxiously anticipating the day I turn 18. That was a year ago and the hype is over. I’ve made it through all the major milestones as a young adult. Now it’s just adult. That’s it. And it’ll be adult forever more.
This is the beginning but also the end. It’s neither good nor bad. This is it.
I am in love.
Someone told me that college isn’t about academics; it’s about getting through the red tape. Unfortunately, that red tape isn’t only the red tape that’s preventing your financial aid from coming through or finding some way to submit the paper a day late. It’s about understanding everyone around you. Your family, the friends you’ve had for years, the friends you’ll make now, and even that special someone. College isn’t about being smart and making sure your GPA stays above a 2.7 in order to keep the scholarship. It’s about getting to know everyone around you for the first time. It’s about realizing your power and the things that are important to you–not the things you were told to be important. It’s about being able to filter all the information you’re given and making decision on the things you will and will not let effect you. It’s about making the right choices and dealing with the outcomes when you’ve made the wrong ones. It’s about realizing that everyone around you is changing and you’re no exception… even if it doesn’t feel that way. It’s about finding out what you really like the things you just can’t tolerate. It’s about discovering the things you need and the things you just can’t compromise.
College is really finding yourself.
College is where I realized there are always regrets.
College is hard.
Joel is a poor college student but he still appreciates nice things. Joel would be most grateful to receive theses gifts sometime in the near future. =]
It’s only been a few days and it seems as if college means not only a change in my surroundings but a change in my friends as well… I think. It may be that I’m just too serious about things. It could be that the transition is just weirding me out. Maybe the move has allowed me to see things in a new perspective. Could it be that my friends changed in only three days or am I just feaking out? I guess I’ve personally done a lot of changing in terms of what’s now important to me… my faith, my family. These are things I always seemed to be running from; always wanting to get away. Now I’d love to have it all back.
Then again, maybe I’m not changing. Maybe these values were always a part of me. Maybe I just never seemed to have use for them before and now that I’m left to fend for myself, I see the importance of them (among other things). It could be that my friends are the ones who changed. What if they’re the ones who see things in a whole new light and can’t help but leap into this new life they’ve been given.
Or maybe, all of us have done some changing. Maybe some of it is for the best while some for the worst. I don’t know. I could be wrong. Maybe… but maybe not?
Last week I couldn’t wait to get out of my house. My dad’s lectures on Jesus Christ and the Bible seemed so overwhelming. I just couldn’t wait to leave and stop wasting time. His thoughts and ideas seemed so far-fetched and almost senseless. Now that it’s not there… I need it back.
Okay, maybe I don’t need his exact translation of scripture (some of it seemed a little misinterpreted) but now that I’m on my own and no one’s here to tell me what to do, I realize how much I need it. I need the inspirational words. I need the motivation. Knowing things like ‘I’m not alone’ and ‘God’s always there’ seem to be just what I need. It makes the silence in this room bearable and the world doesn’t seem to feel so… “big” anymore. Life suddenly appears to be a lot more manageable than I thought and things just aren’t so bad all around anymore. Call it what you want: false hope or blind faith. Whatever you think it is, it brings me comfort and if it can do that, well that’s alright with me. So thank God. Really.
So it’s the end of Day three and college has certainly been… “different.” Different city, different school, different room, different bed. Not a thing is the same. It is what I will call home for the next four years, at least. I’m discovering that the aftershock may be worst than I anticipated. Slowly but surely, however, I’m pretty sure it will all soon become the norm. My bed will be my bed and not just a bed. The people I walk past everyday will hopefully soon be friends and not just people. And this will hopefully soon be home. I don’t want college to be just “something I have to do.” I want to try my hardest to make it more than that. If these are suppose to be the best times of my life, I want to make sure I live it to the fullest, having no regrets down the line. Yes–no regrets.
This is my chance to get rid of the “anti-social” label I’ve put opon myself and become one who’s independent and ready to tackle the world on my own. And though I’m never really alone, I need to be able to do more than just get by when it feels as though I am. I’m still the thinker. The worrier. The one who’s always afraid of change. I need to be the one who gets past all that. That is something I just “have to do.”
Let’s see how this goes. It has to go well. It has to.
August must be break-up month. I can drown myself in all the tears shed over her overly-obsessive ex-boyfriend or his free-spirited girlfriend who just can’t be tied down by commitment (OOOO! THAT WORD!) Or maybe you’re like me… going from having the most perfect person in the world to realizing that things around you are changing and maybe the timing was just a bit off. Whatever the reason, he/she hasn’t cheated on you and nothing’s really happened for you to utterly hate each other… it just wasn’t right. Nevertheless, there you are cursing his name for breaking your heart and cursing yourself for ever falling for such a jerk! UGH!
Okay, so maybe I’m being a tad big over dramatic with this whole breakup thing. But there have been an unusually high number of breakups in the past month and the one thing that’s always true is that someone gets hurt… no matter how hard they try to cover it up, it’s there. Many times it seems as if we get stuck after the break-up. Not knowing what to do or how to move on. We submerge ourselves in our own self-pity. The depression hits and before we know it, we’re curled up in the fetal position at the corner of the room, bawling our eyes out for hours at a time. Before we know it, the world beyond the front door becomes a foreign land which must not be ventured into.
So at this point, you’ve cried with all you’ve got and as you step outside, you’re blinded by the glorious sunlight; the sunlight who had become a stranger to you for the past twenty-four months. Not long after stepping foot upon the jagged pavement of reality, that, vile, disgusting, putrid jerk of a boyfriend (or girlfriend) leaves a voicemail on your new line. How’d the heck did he get this number to begin with? Doesn’t matter. All you know is that he wants to still be friends. Friends!? Friends!!? Surely he can’t be serious. Oh, but he is and here you are, scratching your head like a mindless idiot, asking yourself “why?” Well, I’ve just got two words for you: why not?
The twi of you were obviously very close before; chances are you were really good friends (or maybe every best friends) before the whole shenanigan. Why can’t you get that back? Because there’s a history? Because you know too much about him or he knows too much about you? Because an intimate relationship didn’t play itself out like they do in the movies? Well here’s a wake-up call: LIFE ISN’T A MOVIE! To be blunt, get over yourself. You may not want other people’s pity, but truth is you just pity yourself, which is pathetic. You may have lost a lover, but there’s no reason for you to lose a very good friend. Who’s to say you two haven’t been made stronger by the whole ordeal? Is it not possible that the whole break-up allowed you to learn more about this person? I would see this as an advantage in getting closer to him or her on a platonic level.
I’m no relationship expert but this just seems to be common sense to me. Get out of the corner of your dark and dreary closet and go outside. Make that phone call and you two got have a cup of Joe (I prefer hot chocolate) and catch up on old times. You may have lost a lover, but there’s no reason for you to lose a good friend.
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